Been thinking lately.

(In this post I have put a lot of things in quotations. Each time I do this, it represents some false meaning behind a word which society has put there, that I don't agree with.)

I have ultimately failed as an artist, as one who "creates." At least, to my standard.

It's hard to find artists these days, real ones. Ones who are trying to change things, to do something REALLY original. Something that hasn't been done before. It's even harder to find the ones who are trying to do it on their own.

I have always been a firm believer in the youth. I am youth myself, I know this. But when folks that are younger that want to do something, want to create something, want to change something, want to make a difference, feel that they can't because they are not "old enough," or "mature enough" or whatever, I think that's a load of crap. I don't believe in this thing called "age difference." And I thank the Good Lord everyday for putting me in a ministry that taught me this, and a place where I can show this. I spend a lot of time with Jr. Highers every week, and they are no different than myself. I also think that people who think they can't do something until they are properly educated on the subject, as far as "art" goes, is also ridiculous.

But unfortunately, I have recently fallen into these beliefs. That I'm not old enough, that I haven't been taught properly yet. That I should wait a little while. That I should wait until I'm out of high school.

I spend a lot of time thinking about human potential. And how much of it everyone has. And that with the right motivation, or should I say, Motivator (please, note the capitalization), anyone can do anything.

For example, look at the woman who spends her time in front of a camera, to bring men at home "pleasure." Think of if she knew her True Father, if she spent time with Him. Think of what she could accomplish, of who she could impact. Of what her REAL talents are, of the things that she goes home to do and love and TRULY express herself. Now think of what every woman involved in that industry could do if she knew her True Father.

Every person has an amazing amount of potential, that I don't think any of us really exercise to it's breaking point. I think Paul did. He took a lot. But all of us could take that much. I really don't believe that anyone does anymore.

And I know that I don't either anymore. I don't think in the last two years or so I've really created anything. I think I've basically duplicated things, and disguised them very well to make it seem like I created them. Mostly I speak of music. I am not trying my hardest in my music, I am not trying to do something that hasn't been done. I'm just doing enough to get it out. To make it audible.

This is because of this feeling of "discouragement." Which all in all, I shouldn't LET this emotion exist. But I am only human. I let things like, lack of "support," lack of "fans," lack of "merchandise sold," lack of "daily plays," lack of any "feedback" at all (I would take any, positive or negative, to at least know that there is someone listening), I let all of these things and more collect like dust on my creativity over the last two years. The result of this is not trying something new, but trying something only to please, trying something that others have already enjoyed.

It used to be that I did things for my own sake. I did it because I liked it. Whether you or anyone liked it or not was really not relative. Because if I liked it, and if I was happy with it, and I felt that I did my best in it, it was good. And that's all it needed to be. But now, things aren't "catchy enough" and etc.

The ultimate, I'll call this a personal sin (because I am falling beneath my own standard that I have set, which we all do and will continue to do unless we seek first the One who is above all standards), is that I've let the many different endeavors of self-expression that I have indulged myself in snuff out each other in a popularity contest of my attention and effort. I have music, I have photography, I have MANA, and now I've recently taken up writing (thank you Kaytie). Between these attempts to multi-task, and high school, and ministry, family, friends, deciding college, trying to make money in some desperate way or another, and etc, I have failed to give anything my true, full attention. Which I am extremely disappointed with myself in.

The Good Lord put these desires in my heart to do all of these things. From school to art to feeling the way I do about my friends and wanting to give them every second of my life, God GAVE ME these desires. I know He did. So who says I need to pick and choose amongst them? As long as I seek Him first in each and every aspect of my life, I will find the time to do every single thing to it's fullest.

And that's my problem. I don't put Him first in it. Of course, after realizing this, it is no longer a current issue, but a part of my past where I will one day speak of and think back on and laugh at.

All in all, I don't believe I have to wait to be old enough to change anything. Or to be properly educated. Or to be affirmed. No one does.

So, I will write and record and play the music I want to play, that I feel is my best, that I feel is true self-expression. With or without choruses. And I will not do it for you, or for anyone. I will do it for Him, and for me. For the sake of creating.