things lately.

here's what's been going on with me:

i barely play or listen to music anymore.

i have let the american adult idea of "you're under 18 and not finished with high school yet, so you are not able to succeed at anything" completely weigh down my dreams of being in a touring band ever.

i am a terrible boyfriend.

i have no idea what's important to me and what isn't anymore. but it's feeling like most everything isn't important.

i have no idea who is important to me and who isn't anymore. but it's feeling like most everyone isn't important.

i have no motivation for anything at all.

i have tried to help a friend out of bulimia and failed.

i have tried to help a friend out of cutting and make her realize she is hanging out with people who treat like crap and that she shouldn't take it: i failed.

i have completely lost my best friend to the thing i hate most; he doesn't care.

i have lost a lot of recent friends.

i'm a failure as an academic student.

i'm a failure as a son.

i'm a failure as a friend.

and most of all: i have this growing pain in my heart that i don't understand why it's there or where it came from. but it is just getting worse, and making everything above worse. i don't understand it. but i'm constanstly sad, and always on the verge of tears.

the wonderful thing about this, is all of it started happening when i started being honest to people, and i confessed a lot. when i started trying to put other people before me. when i started trying to spread this positive message. and when i started trying to finally get my relationship with Christ going on firm and steady way.

nothing makes sense.